Happy Eid Mubarak!

Selamat Hari Raya to everyone..

Rasa best hari raya ni sebab rasanya dah berjaya tutup satu chapter in my life.. goshh.. and for da first time far a long time it will be my Raya with my family..

i know raya maknanya kita kena mintak maaf dan memaafkan satu sama lain.. but i have something extra, to forgive also to me to forget all those bullshits.. dah tak larat dan berserabut memikirkan hal hal yang bangang pasal diorang tu.. So now kepala dah tak berserabut.. rasa macam hamba abdi yang telah dilepaskan dan diberi kebebasan.. Wow.. cam tu sekali..hehheheehe

Whatever it is, Ramadan make me da new person.. i dun care whatever they said about me anymore....
what comes around, goes around rite.. so we better have a wonderful life and throw all that negative thoughts lah..
" You can't hate da player, but hate da game..".... dun like it? don't signed for it..

Time is too short to be living somebody elses life

Love is my passion
Love is my friend
Love is universal
Love never ends

Then why am I faced with so much anger, so much pain?

Why should I hide? Why should I be ashamed ?

Time is much too short to be living somebody elses life

I walk with dignity, I step with pride

'Cos I ain't movin' from my face, 
from my race, from my history

I ain't movin' from my love, 
my peacefull dove, it means too much to me

Loving self can be so hard
, Honesty can be demanding

Learn to love yourself, 
it's a great, great feeling
When your down baby, I will set you free

I will be your remedy, I will be your tree


A wise man is clever, seldom ever speaks a word

A foolish man keeps talking, never is he heard no no no no
Time is much too short to be living somebody elses life

I walk with dignity, I step with pride

'Cos I ain't movin' from my face, 
from my race, from my history

I ain't movin' from my love, 
my peacefull dove, it means too much to me

Loving self can be so hard
, Honesty can be demanding
Learn to love yourself, 
it's a great, great feeling

Time's too lonely, too lonely without words

Future voices need to be heard

Eyebrows are always older than the beards

Momma said be brave, you've nothing to fear.. ohhh…
Time is much too short to be living somebody elses life

I walk with dignity, I step with pride

'Cos I ain't movin' from my face, 
from my race, from my history

I ain't movin' from my love, 
my peacefull dove, it means too much to me

Loving self can be so hard
, Honesty can be demanding

Learn to love yourself, 
it's a great, great feeling

‘Cos I ain't movin',
I've been here long before
,
I ain't movin', 'cos I want more,

I ain't movin', got my feet on the ground

As far as I'm concerned, love should win the round

I Ain't Moving by Desiree.

letting go..
something that so easy to say, but hardly to understand.. it took me some time to understand the meaning..
u see.. my life turned upside down eversince i celebrated my 30th birthday. I quit my job that i love most, and then i have no clue who am i, what's my purpose in life and all those 'kinda' questions.. i was depressed, had to take pills and starting to have all negative thoughts.. Well, hard to explain what's going on in my life at that time.. it's probably because i'm afraid to face the facts and i was totally in denial..

Having so called 'friends' that always around me, kissing my ass, getting thousands phone calls everyday, working 24-7 in 365 days, make me so important. i can walk freely on red carpet, enter any club i want, that was my life. Life kinda in heaven, at least that's what i think.. and when it changed, that really hit me. Funny.. i don't have 'friends' anymore.. and it make me so sad, really sad.

but now, i feel much more happier. i don't need those 'friends'. Perhaps i don't need them at all. I don't need someone to kiss my ass anymore. I was stupid at that time, i didn't see it coming, i thought everyone is being honest, but sadly it was not. i thought all my kindness is useless but looking at it, i've done my very best to love, to commit to IT like it's a part of my life and i feel happy IT still standing there without me. And i'm proud to say that i'm apart of IT regardless no one notice it or even say thank you. Yes it hurt when i went there and when no one is welcoming me.. but as people say, they do bad things to us because they can.. and i don't regret for all the good things i've done to them.
and i'm proud to say that i'm bruised but not broken.. my life just get started!!! And i thank God for making me realized it..
time is too short to be living in somebody elses life..

Master Of Happiness..

The Chuang-tzu, chuan seven, says:

" The mind of the perfect man is like a mirror. It does not move with things, nor does it anticipate them. It responds to things but does not retain them."

The Yi-ch'uan Chi-jang Chi, chuan 14, words of Shao Yung. He said this :

The name of the Master of Happiness is not known.
For 30 years he has lived on the banks of Lo River.
His feelings are those of the wind and the moon ;
His spirit is on the river and the lake.

To him there is no distinction
Between low position and high rank,
Between poverty and riches.
He does not move with things nor anticipate them.
He has no restrains and no taboos.
He is poor, but has no sorrow.
He drinks but never drunk.
He gathers the springtime of the world into his mind.

(Some Gleanings of Oriental Wisdom by C.F.Wong, part 131) from Nury Vittachi

I was reading this book, written by Nury Vittachi and i decided to share this wisdom words.. it remind me of something.. i'm not sure what is it but after reading again and again.. i tried to understand the whole paragraph, the meaning, and i still not sure what's happiness meant by that.. So many thoughts on my mind and sometimes i'm fighting with myself to throw all those bad thoughts. I get tired sometimes and wish it get easier.. and reading this book helped me to handle it wisely. Well, this is not a motivation kinda book, but it does have few pages of wisdom words that u can relate to your believe system..
But then, slowly i started to understand... and i believed it's true..

'THE STRENGTH OF THE MIND IS THE STRENGTH OF ITS DETACHMENT.'

Let us ask ourself.. can i be the Master Of Happiness?

Blogging: can we be honest about what we write?

mmmm.. please answer that..

the previous post that i wrote cause me losing my job, losing my friendships.. by being honest..
Should i be honest now?? Argghhhh... damn it.. Should i apologize to others for being honest? i can, i have no problem to say sorry, if that's what they want.. But i rather discuss and talk about it and make sure it didn't happen again..
but now, by not apologized to them, i am jobless. A 'friend' say, just ask for forgiveness Shima, u'll get da job.. so easy.. no one want's to know the truth, what we need it's just a need chapter in our life..
Don't get me wrong, i'm just tired saying sorry for things that i didn't do. Be truthful to me, tell me what i've done wrong, so that i don't do it again, and let's get back together as friend..

Yesterday, i just realized something very big..
I have lost my Buddy.. A friend that i love so much... someone that i care, and someone that i respect. i already lost him long time ago, but i still can't accept that fact.. yesterday was da day i finally accept it..

It's hard to lose this friendships just because of misunderstanding. But i can't take it anymore. i have to stop crying. i need to forget all this bullshits.. it's killing me, bit by bit, everyday.. and i'm losing myself..

Ramadhan is coming.. it's a month of forgiveness.
I'm sorry for doing this to myself.. No more negative thoughts.. No more lies..
i might lose a friend.. but i'm about to find a buddy.. who will always be honest to me... who will always tell me if i'm wrong and who will be there to share our sadness and happiness together..
Amin..

FRIEND OR NO FRIEND ONE??

Have u ever tell about your feelings to someone that you consider as your friend, best friend or even buddy?
What's their reactions? Can they accept it? What if your friend express their feelings, like they felt hurt with you?
And how many times u felt that u can't be honest about your feelings? Why? are we scared that it may hurt their feelings?
How hard to be honest? how hard to be ourselves?

Should we express our hurt inside?
According to da book that i'm reading now, it says " If there is a secret to mental health, this is it : tell the people who hurt you that they hurt you when they hurt you."
Okay, but if the other person calls you "oversensitive" or tells you that your hurt is unimportant and doesn't take your feeling seriously, or saying that u were emotionally wrong? Then, u basically revealed the truth, if the other person doesn't care about your feelings, obviously he or she doesn't care about you. The sooner this, the better. Why waste more time?
But, remember this, expressing our hurt sometimes make us to put our love or friendship on the line. It always tests about love, about ourselves. It's always the right thing to do in any relationship that we value..

So, when someone close to you and accused you for not being open, they not necessary right. We probably don't bother sharing about our feelings with them because we knew the different between someone that really care or someone that pretend to care..
And importantly, we are not one of them. When someone come and says they hurt us out of anger because of being hurt by us, we don't walk away. It's a good time to discover the truth, we clean the air, and we become friends again.

But sometimes, when we have bad experience in friendships, all the bad thoughts comes on our mind. And we tried to forget them, but they are everywhere.. So what u do? Forgive urself, forgive them, forgive the past. No need to hate them or yourself. It may not happen now, but with love and good intentions, we will have friends everywhere we want..

Don't think too much..
I do not try to be accepted.
I do not search for love,
I want only to be me and am grateful,
for the gift of myself...

REFLECTION

What a wonderful week!!
Alhamdullilah, everything was on plan. It was very tiring but the bottomline, i am sitting in my 'office' now..
Okay, from the beginning..
When we moved into this lovely house last year, my darling took one room as his office. And at that time, i dun need working space since i was working permanently. So, that room become a store room, with boxes full of ornaments.
And ever since i decided to work from home, sitting, typing from sofa, wasn't a good idea.. i had back pain.. and most importantly, i was very distracted with my latest favourite channel-The Crime Investigations Channel.. hehehheeh

So, after few days of thinking, i decided to clean da store room and it is now become my working space.. very nice.. And after that, da house cleaning.. i am so proud of myself.. a bit of muscles cramp, but i feel much much better.. and i declared that last week was A CLEANING WEEK.. no more dust.. Yey..

Looking at my living hall, my kitchen, bedroom.. (well actually da whole house), so clean.. and my favourite view is da floor.. With a bit of sunlight, u can see that da floor is free from dust..aaaahhhhhh...Da perfect view in the morning...
mmmm.. this is me.. i have to admit, sometimes i think i have O-CD : Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder.. i remembered when i was in college, i can only wear white T-shirt. I have to fold my clothes with perfect measurement and washed all my wardrobe with hot water every Sunday at 2am.. i was pathetic.. My mum will folds all clothes and wll leave mine aside because she knew that i will actually unfold those clothes and fold it my way..
One time, i was on a bus, or on lrt, can't really remember, and in front of me, there was a guy wearing a collar shirt, but da collar wasn't properly folded.. Imagine me.. i can feel my hand reaching his collar and fix it.. but i can't do that, can i? so i moved to somewhere else so that i can't see that man..

And now, living with my brother. Arrghhhhh!!! Don't get me wrong, i care for him.. but there's few things that he did, i can't accept..
And my sweetheart are getting tired with me, acting like mums to my brother..
You see, i have my own way of doing things.. and when it comes about cleanliness, i just have to do it my way.. specially in my house..
And my brother, he doesn't care less with me.. i meant i guess sometimes he just love to teased me..

I realized one thing.. I don't measure my clothes everytime i fold them anymore. I can also wear other colour than white.. and i dun need to wash my clothes with hot water anymore.. i have let go those behaviour.. that so time consuming!! but i still have few more to go..
And i have learned this behaviour.. It's hard to ignore but i'm learning to handle it properly..

i used to get so pissed of to see dirty glasses, i can't accept so many thing, importantly i just can't accept the way he doing things.. and it's hard to tolerate. But then, that's unfair.. if he can accept my way, why can't i accept his?
So is that mean i should just be okay with da dirty glass? Wait.. wait.. wait a minute.. what am i saying?
Did i took that dirty glass and washed it for him or i did it for myself?? That's da questions..
i have a choice. i can just let the glass there until my bro pick it up. Or i can just do it because i like to see clean glass?
mmmm.. it's up to urself to think what u wanna think..

It's just the way i am.. and i'm taking time to please myself..
Pleasing others means u make their feelings is more important that you own feeling. Why we always put others first? because we do it out of love? then u basically knew that you gonna end up being dissapointed. And without we realized, we depends on other to make us happy..
Ask this, is there anyone out there know exactly how to please yourself? no one. no one know how to please yourself, except you..

Let say we going to die tomorrow, ask yourself, have i pleased myself today?
Have i take time for myself?
Why not? Say this to yourself :
i'm taking this few moments to do nothing. I'm taking this time to do nothing. It's time to listen to the nature... and i deserve this time..

try it..

The Next Step..

The only explanation you ever need for doing what you want is : " I WANT TO."
The only explanation you ever need for not doing what you don't want to do is : " I DON"T WANT TO."

Based on that, only people who love me will understand. The people who do not will not. And that's the new me..
My brother come back almost everyday, complaining about everything.. He remind me of someone, someone who wasn't clear about her life.. he remind me of myself long time ago.. Complaining is always hurtful because it adds stress and pressure to an problematic situation. Complaining only creates the wrong atmosphere for making change.. and without you realized it, it damages your credibility.. Complain means you're not happy, and why you choose not to be happy??

I'm honestly tired listening to his complains.. but basically when i listened it carefully, i heard unspoken thoughts.. i am not sure what he want.. it's hard.. i'm trying to be his big sister but i don't know how, i'm still trying..
Knowing him, asking him to be honest with his feelings will be something that might end up we both not talking in a week.
We are all very afraid of hurting other's feelings. STOP!!! State your preferences directly and openly. You do not need to convince anyone of anything. Actually, you can't convince people who want to control you of anything.

Okay, just think of this for a moment..
The people who opposed our decisions are only stating their opinion, their preferences. So, why is their opinion about life is more important than our opinion of our own? Hey, is okay if they don't like it, or they don't agree.. we don't need excuses to be ourselves, right??

We don't need permissions to do what we want in this life. The people who need permission the most are people who don't trust yourself. ( Just for the record, if permissions were needed, there would have been no innovation in art, and i'm sure there will be no justice.. heheheh) We just have to live our life, take risks and just go where you need to go, we don't expect other people to understand or approve.. and i promise u this, when we go out on our own, other people will be more concerned about the rules you we gonna break than the excellence of what we going to accomplished.. And, PERMISSION GRANTED!

And again, what other people think is only what other people think. FULL STOP. First of all, what other people think is none of our business. So don't take it personally.. this is neither wrong nor bad, neither good or bad. It simply is the way it is.. Importantly, be ourselves, not what other people want or need us to be. Be ourselves, no need to try, just have to be. Be ourselves right now. Find our own peace of mind.. knowing that we did what we had to do and when we weren't strong as we wanted to be, we forgive ourselves. Peace of mind is the acceptance of our goods and most importantly our intentions to do the right thing.

To my brother yang hitam manis dan menawan hati..
Wherever you going, whatever your dreams, the next step you take will be from this place. You cannot take that next step unless you know where you are right now.
Know this place. Know how you got here, your motivations, the truth about your shortcomings, the limitations that held you back.
Know the ground on which you stand, without illusion, pretense, or self-deception. And after that, accept your condition for what it is. Take responsibility for getting here and staying as long as you have. If you've been stuck, admit your fear and lack of courage. Don't blame others. don't condemn the world.
The place where you stand is the consequence of your determination. And if you find your achievements lacking, look to yourself, not outside. Ask yourself. Perhaps you were not motivated. Perhaps you did not want what you claimed you needed. Perhaps you only fooled yourself.
If you understand how you got to this place, you will know the next step and how to take it.
Don't fear the future, read the past.

I can only share my experiences, and only me understand my journey. You need to know your experiences, and the future will not surprise you..

True peace of mind is knowing that you will do what you need to do and believing in your goodness and your power to do it..